Author: Elise Kindya

“Healing isn’t linear.”

We’ve all heard this line before. But what does it mean?

The way I take it is that we continuously circle around issues that need deeper and deeper healing.

I envision healing to be like an ascending and descending spiral. The Instagram account @lizandmollie illustrates this point perfectly:

Sure, it might feel like you are circling around the “same issue”, but you have a different perspective of that issue. You are still you- but with a new perspective.

The blessing inside of the “curse”.

Each time the issue arises, you have the potential to be the version of you with the most experience in dealing with it. You have the opportunity to see it with new eyes.

While every new day provides a new opportunity, you don’t wake up one day a completely different person- you are still you. You have the same family, the same friends, live in the same place and have the same hopes, dreams and desires. The same will be true for the challenges you face in life.

Flexibility – Not Just For Gymnastics!

It is easy to love all the good things in life. But what about the challenges? Is it possible to allow challenges to be an arena to learn valuable life lessons?

This is an area that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) calls “Psychological Flexibility“. As humans, we are gifted with a high-level thinking brain that allows us to make meaning of our lives. When we can access psychological flexibility, we are able to best show up for the moment we are in and work towards our core values as people, using our executive functioning to help us.

What is the point of healing, anyway?

Yes, it’s painful to have to face the same issues. And, as humans, we are a goal-oriented species.

Our pain can sometimes be a great source of motivation. Healing our pain can be a guide to where we want our lives to go.

With self-awareness, tangible goals to work towards and perhaps a trusted therapist (ahem!), you will be making progress, climbing up that spiral staircase to healing in no time!

Fear can do a lot of things. It can stop us in our tracks. It can also be a catalyst for great change in our lives.

I’ve always been good at showing up, but not really on following through. There are goals and objectives that I would set off on accomplishing. I would begin by looking into whatever it was that interested me and take the next step in practicing it. Examples include dance, photography, guitar, and learning Spanish, to name a few. But then, fear would kick in. I had voices in my head telling me that I couldn’t do the thing I wanted, that it would turn out badly, that I would be laughed at and run out of town. Once these voices took over, I often felt forced to leave what I was pursuing, shrink back into myself, and throw a pity party. This always made me feel like I was really different from the crowd. But I’m realizing that other people have gone through this, too. That’s partly what inspired me to offer therapy to other people who identify as The Black Sheep, too.

Deciding to make a change

Over the course of many years, I’ve gathered information on this process. I have a lot of unrealized dreams, goals and interests in my wake. While I offer forgiveness to my younger self for being scared, I don’t want to continue on this path anymore. I’ve realized that I would rather live a life that I am excited about, even if it is scary, than a boring life that is safe. Because, even if it feels safe, not living my truth out loud has actually caused a lot of distrust and unsafe feelings within my own self. I see this in my clients all the time, too.

Mental health is so important. The words we think about ourselves and our lives in our own mind are paramount to our functioning in every day life. There is great power in using the word to determine the outcomes we will get. The very nature of naming this gives us choices in choosing which facts we allow to define our lives.

When we give this power over to fear, we don’t give ourselves a chance. Fear is so easy to support. We find evidence everywhere that being afraid is the smart and rational thing to do. Stories of failure, tragedy, and anguish convince us that getting outside of our comfort zone is too risky. So we stay small. But, our desires don’t go away. They keep burning within. This is when our mental health suffers- we have two incongruent things happening at one time. And one has to win. Often, it’s fear, because at least we can stay comfortable instead of taking a risk.

Brain science

And, this really isn’t any fault of our own. Our nervous system is wired to avoid pain, suffering, and anything unsafe. Fear kept our ancestors alive. Avoiding things that scare us is in our DNA.

Thankfully, modern scientists have learned that our brains have the ability to build new pathways by challenging old beliefs and approaches to life. This is called neuroplasticity. It is possible to tend to your mental health, put yourself through challenges that might feel unsafe but are not life threatening, and rewire your brain to choose more productive and desirable thought processes with beneficial outcomes. It takes some repetition and know how, but once you get started, it starts to take care of itself. Plus, when you see results, you want to keep going!

I hope that this story makes space for you to entertain the idea of going after what you want. It’s your life. You get to decide what you want, and how to succeed in obtaining it.

Hello readers!

I want you to know that your lived experience is valid.

If you often find yourself being sad, disappointed, angry or otherwise upset about your life and then stop yourself by saying, “Other people have had it way worse than me,” I invite you to watch this video.

Make more room for yourself, your feelings, and your lived experience.

If it is coming up within you, it wants to be healed.

Please watch the video below for more insights on this phrase, and how I respond to my clients in sessions when this comes up (which is very often).

Much love,

Elise

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CGkuxlbl2Yl/

If you find yourself de-validating your own experience by responding to your own hurt with “It wasn’t that bad, other people have had it so much worse than me,”, I encourage you to do the following:

1. Stop
2. Take a breath
3. Grab your journal
4. Ask yourself these questions and write out the answers:
   • Who said this to me?
   • What was the situation that was happening when they said this?
   • How did that make me feel?
   • What sense of control did I feel in this situation?
   • What sense of control do I feel over the problem that I am having today?
   • How am I feeling about this situation today?

What you allow yourself to feel, you can heal. Please take this as an opportunity to tend to yourself today.

To learn more about ACEs, click here.