Author: Elise Kindya

  • My Journey to Neurofeedback: Why I Chose a Different Path for Depression

    My Journey to Neurofeedback: Why I Chose a Different Path for Depression

    My Journey to Neurofeedback: Why I Chose a Different Path for Depression

    If you had told me a few years ago that I would eventually help people improve their mental health through neurofeedback, I probably would have smiled politely and gone back to recommending the things I knew best. Therapy. EMDR. Mindfulness. Lifestyle changes. Sometimes medication. I didn’t know I was about to embark on my own neurofeedback journey.

    Medication has an important place in mental health care. I have seen it save lives. I have recommended that clients speak with their physicians about it countless times. I also know that every person’s experience is different.

    This is my story.

    Living with Depression

    Depression has been part of my life for longer than I care to admit. Some seasons were manageable. Others felt incredibly heavy.

    Like many people, I tried to push through it. I stayed busy. I cared for other people. I kept showing up.

    Eventually I realized I needed additional support.

    Over the years, I tried different antidepressant medications. Some helped more than others, but I often found myself balancing symptom relief with side effects that never quite felt right. My most recent experience on medication lasted for over a year. I was always told that medicine was the answer to most health problems, including depression.

    While my depression improved, something else happened.

    I stopped feeling like myself.

    It was difficult to explain. I wasn’t deeply depressed anymore, but I also didn’t feel fully alive. My emotions felt muted. My creativity wasn’t the same. My motivation changed. I missed feeling connected to who I was.

    I knew I wanted to explore another option.

    Looking for Something Different

    As both a therapist and someone who has done a tremendous amount of personal healing, I have always believed that our brains have an incredible capacity to adapt and change.

    I started researching neurofeedback.

    I wanted something that worked with my brain rather than simply managing symptoms and an approach that supported regulation, resilience, and long-term wellness.

    That search led me to NeurOptimal® Neurofeedback.

    Unlike some forms of neurofeedback that attempt to train specific brainwave patterns, NeurOptimal is a non-directive neurofeedback system. During a session, sensors simply monitor brain activity and provide real-time feedback through interruptions in music whenever the brain shifts. The brain notices these interruptions and naturally begins making its own adjustments over time.

    The process is surprisingly relaxing.

    No electricity is sent into your brain.

    Nothing is forced.

    Your brain simply receives information about itself and does what it was designed to do.

    As someone who values gentle, trauma-informed approaches, this immediately resonated with me.

    My Experience with NeurOptimal Neurofeedback

    I went into my first session hopeful but realistic.

    I didn’t expect a miracle.

    I simply wanted to see whether my brain could feel a little calmer.

    After several sessions, I began noticing subtle changes.

    I felt less emotionally reactive.

    My mind felt clearer.

    The heaviness that had followed me for so long began lifting in a way that felt natural.

    I wasn’t chasing happiness. I was simply beginning to feel more like myself again.

    The biggest surprise was that the changes didn’t feel artificial.

    They felt like I was reconnecting with the version of myself that had been buried underneath stress, burnout, trauma, and depression.

    My neurofeedback journey felt natural and even easy!

    Working with My Doctor

    One thing I want to be very clear about is this.

    I did not stop my medication on my own.

    As I continued with neurofeedback and noticed consistent improvements, I talked with my physician about what I was experiencing.

    Together with my doctor and my NeurOptimal trainer, we developed a plan to gradually reduce my medication over several weeks.

    It was slow, intentional and medically supervised.

    Today, I have been off antidepressant medication for more than three months.

    I am deeply grateful for that.

    Not because medication is bad.

    Because it was the right decision for me.

    Why This Experience Changed My Practice

    This neurofeedback journey changed more than my own mental health.

    It changed the way I think about healing.

    As a trauma therapist, I already understood that healing happens in many ways. We process memories through EMDR. We regulate the nervous system through mindfulness and somatic work. We reconnect with ourselves through therapy.

    Neurofeedback became another powerful tool.

    I have seen clients describe feeling calmer, sleeping better, focusing more easily, recovering from burnout, and feeling less overwhelmed by everyday stress.

    Everyone’s experience is different, and neurofeedback is not a replacement for therapy or medical care. For many people, however, it can become an important part of a comprehensive treatment plan.

    Hope Looks Different for Everyone

    If you’re reading this because you’re exhausted from feeling depressed, I want you to know something.

    There is no shame in taking medication.

    There is no shame in staying on medication.

    There is also no shame in wondering whether another approach could be part of your healing journey.

    You deserve to ask questions.

    You deserve options.

    You deserve a treatment plan that feels right for you.

    For me, NeurOptimal Neurofeedback became the missing piece.

    It helped me reconnect with myself in a way I wasn’t sure was possible.

    Could NeurOptimal Neurofeedback Help You?

    At PORTAL Therapy in Richmond, Virginia, I now offer NeurOptimal Neurofeedback because I believe in it both professionally and personally.

    I don’t recommend it because I sell it.

    I offer it because I experienced what it felt like to finally have hope again.

    Whether you are living with depression, anxiety, chronic stress, burnout, trauma, or simply feel like your brain has been stuck in survival mode for too long, neurofeedback may be worth exploring.

    Healing rarely happens through one single intervention. What helps you could be therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or neurofeedback.

    Often, it is a thoughtful combination of all of the above.

    No matter where you are in your journey, know that healing is possible. I know because I have lived it.

    Important Note: This blog reflects my personal experience and is not medical advice. Never stop or change psychiatric medications without consulting the healthcare professional who prescribes them. If you are interested in neurofeedback, speak with your physician and qualified providers to determine whether it may be appropriate for your individual needs.

  • Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    For many people, becoming a parent is a lifelong dream. For others, it simply is not.

    Choosing to be childless by choice is one of the most personal decisions a person can make. Yet it is also one of the most questioned. If you have ever heard, “You’ll change your mind,” “Who will take care of you when you’re older?” or “Your life won’t feel complete,” you know how deeply society assumes that parenthood is the default path.

    As a therapist, I have worked with clients navigating this decision from many different angles. Some have always known they did not want children. Others arrived at the decision after years of reflection, grief, relationships, or health challenges. There is no single story that defines what it means to live a meaningful life without children.

    There Is No One Right Way to Build a Life

    We often measure adulthood by milestones such as marriage, buying a home, and having children. When someone chooses a different path, it can make other people uncomfortable because it challenges the narrative they have always accepted.

    But fulfillment is not one-size-fits-all.

    A meaningful life can include deep friendships, travel, creativity, community involvement, career fulfillment, volunteering, pets, nieces and nephews, mentoring, spirituality, or simply having the freedom to wake up each day and choose how you spend your time and energy.

    Parenthood is one path. It is not the only path.

    The Mental Load of Defending Your Decision

    One of the hardest parts of being childless by choice is not necessarily the decision itself. It is managing everyone else’s opinions.

    Many people find themselves repeatedly answering intrusive questions or feeling pressure from family, friends, coworkers, or even strangers. Over time, these conversations can become emotionally exhausting.

    Research has found that voluntarily childfree adults often experience social stigma because they deviate from traditional expectations, despite reporting life satisfaction and well-being that is comparable to parents. Journal of Family Issues published research has highlighted how societal expectations, rather than the choice itself, often contribute to distress among childfree adults.

    One frequently cited study by Amy Blackstone and Mahala Dyer Stewart found that voluntarily childfree adults report levels of life satisfaction similar to parents, challenging the assumption that having children is necessary for happiness.

    Reference

    Blackstone, A., & Stewart, M. D. (2012). Choosing to Be Childfree: Research on the Decision Not to Parent. Journal of Family Issues.

    Therapy Can Help You Explore the Decision Without Judgment

    Some people know immediately that they do not want children.

    Others feel caught between their own desires and the expectations placed on them by family, religion, culture, or a partner.

    Therapy offers a space where you do not have to defend yourself or justify your feelings. Instead, you can explore questions like:

    • What do I actually want?
    • Am I making this decision from fear or from authenticity?
    • How do I respond to other people’s opinions?
    • What kind of life feels meaningful to me?

    The goal of therapy is not to convince you toward parenthood or away from it. The goal is to help you make decisions that align with your own values.

    Finding Community Matters

    One of the most healing experiences can be realizing you are not alone.

    If you are exploring what it means to live childfree, I highly recommend listening to the Dinky Podcast. Hosted by Erika and Kristen, the podcast explores childfree living with humor, honesty, and thoughtful conversations about relationships, identity, and building a fulfilling life outside traditional expectations.

    Hearing stories from people who have chosen a similar path can reduce isolation and remind you that there are countless ways to build a rich, connected, and meaningful life.

    Your Life Does Not Need Someone Else’s Approval

    Whether you become a parent, remain childfree by choice, or are still figuring it out, your worth is not measured by the roles you fill.

    A full life is not defined by checking boxes. It is created by living in alignment with your values, nurturing meaningful relationships, caring for your mental health, and allowing yourself the freedom to choose the life that fits you.

    If you are wrestling with this decision or feeling weighed down by other people’s expectations, therapy can provide a compassionate place to sort through those emotions. At PORTAL Therapy, we believe there is no single blueprint for a meaningful life. Together, we can help you discover what fulfillment looks like for you.

  • Is Depression a Choice? What Trauma, Brain Science, and Therapy Tell Us

    Is Depression a Choice? What Trauma, Brain Science, and Therapy Tell Us

    If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you’ve probably heard some version of these statements:

    “Just think more positively.”

    “You have so much to be grateful for.”

    “You just have to choose happiness.”

    While these comments are often well intentioned, they can leave people feeling ashamed, misunderstood, and even more alone.

    So let’s answer the question directly.

    No. Depression is not a choice.

    However, choosing how you respond to depression, including reaching out for support, engaging in treatment, and practicing self compassion, is something that can gradually become possible with healing.

    As a trauma therapist, I often remind clients that depression is not a character flaw. It is often the nervous system’s way of communicating that something deeper needs attention.

    Depression Is More Than Feeling Sad

    Everyone feels sad from time to time. Sadness is a normal human emotion that usually has a clear cause and gradually improves.

    If you’re my therapy client, you’ve heard me say “life is 50% positive, 50% negative”. That includes sadness.

    Depression is different.

    Major depressive disorder affects the way a person thinks, feels, sleeps, eats, moves, and experiences the world. It can make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, answering a text message, or making dinner may feel nearly impossible.

    Research has consistently shown that depression involves changes in brain function, stress hormones, inflammation, genetics, and environmental experiences. It is not simply a matter of having the “right attitude.”

    The Brain Changes During Depression

    Modern neuroscience has shown that depression affects several areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, motivation, memory, and decision making.

    People living with depression often experience:

    • Reduced motivation
    • Difficulty concentrating
    • Increased negative thinking
    • Changes in sleep and appetite
    • Physical fatigue
    • Feelings of hopelessness

    These symptoms are not signs of laziness. They reflect real biological changes occurring in the brain and nervous system.

    Trauma and Depression Are Closely Connected

    Many people I work with do not realize that their depression may actually be rooted in unresolved trauma.

    Trauma does not always look like a single catastrophic event.

    It may include:

    • Childhood emotional neglect
    • Emotional abuse
    • Medical trauma
    • Loss of a loved one
    • Divorce
    • Chronic stress
    • Toxic relationships
    • Growing up feeling unsafe or unseen

    This is why I always complete the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionnaire in my Intake sessions.

    When our nervous system spends years in survival mode, it eventually runs out of energy.

    Sometimes anxiety comes first, or the nervous system simply shuts down.

    This shutdown can look very similar to depression.

    Clients often tell me:

    “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

    “I feel numb.”

    “I don’t enjoy anything.”

    “I feel like I’m watching my life instead of living it.”

    These experiences are common responses to chronic stress and trauma.

    If Depression Is Not a Choice, Why Does It Feel Like I Should Be Able to Snap Out of It?

    Many people blame themselves because depression affects motivation.

    Imagine trying to drive a car with an empty gas tank.

    No matter how badly you want to move forward, the fuel simply is not there.

    Depression works similarly.

    The parts of your brain responsible for motivation and reward become less active, making even small tasks feel enormous.

    This is why telling someone to “just choose happiness” can actually increase feelings of shame.

    Healing Does Involve Choices

    Although depression itself is not a choice, healing often involves many small choices that become possible with support.

    Those choices may include:

    • Scheduling a therapy appointment ❤️‍🩹
    • Taking prescribed medication if appropriate
    • Going outside for ten minutes
    • Eating one nourishing meal
    • Reaching out to someone you trust
    • Practicing self compassion instead of self criticism
    • Learning to regulate your nervous system

    None of these choices cure depression overnight.

    Instead, they create opportunities for the brain and body to slowly recover.

    How Therapy Can Help

    Therapy is not about convincing you to “look on the bright side.”

    Effective trauma informed therapy helps you understand why your nervous system developed the way it did.

    At PORTAL Therapy, I often integrate approaches such as:

    • EMDR to process traumatic memories
    • Mindfulness practices
    • Somatic techniques that reconnect you with your body
    • NeurOptimal® neurofeedback to support nervous system flexibility
    • Reiki and sound healing for clients who find holistic approaches meaningful alongside psychotherapy

    Healing is rarely about forcing yourself to feel happy.

    It is about creating enough safety within your mind and body that joy naturally has room to return.

    You Are Not Weak

    Depression often tells people they are broken.

    That is one of its biggest lies.

    Your brain is adaptable, your nervous system can heal.

    Life is happening right now, as your story is still unfolding.

    You do not have to carry depression alone.

    Sometimes asking for help is the strongest decision you can make.

    Final Thoughts

    So, is depression a choice?

    No.

    Depression is a complex medical and psychological condition influenced by biology, life experiences, trauma, and environment.

    What is a choice is giving yourself permission to seek support.

    Healing does not happen because you become stronger than depression.

    Healing happens because you stop fighting it alone.

    Scholarly References

    Cuijpers, P., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., & Purgato, M. (2020). Psychotherapies for depression: A network meta analysis. World Psychiatry, 19(1), 92-107.

    Malhi, G. S., & Mann, J. J. (2018). Depression. The Lancet, 392(10161), 2299-2312.

    Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2016). Annual Research Review: Enduring neurobiological effects of childhood abuse and neglect. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(3), 241-266.