Author: Elise Kindya

  • Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    Childless by Choice: Choosing a Full Life on Your Own Terms

    For many people, becoming a parent is a lifelong dream. For others, it simply is not.

    Choosing to be childless by choice is one of the most personal decisions a person can make. Yet it is also one of the most questioned. If you have ever heard, “You’ll change your mind,” “Who will take care of you when you’re older?” or “Your life won’t feel complete,” you know how deeply society assumes that parenthood is the default path.

    As a therapist, I have worked with clients navigating this decision from many different angles. Some have always known they did not want children. Others arrived at the decision after years of reflection, grief, relationships, or health challenges. There is no single story that defines what it means to live a meaningful life without children.

    There Is No One Right Way to Build a Life

    We often measure adulthood by milestones such as marriage, buying a home, and having children. When someone chooses a different path, it can make other people uncomfortable because it challenges the narrative they have always accepted.

    But fulfillment is not one-size-fits-all.

    A meaningful life can include deep friendships, travel, creativity, community involvement, career fulfillment, volunteering, pets, nieces and nephews, mentoring, spirituality, or simply having the freedom to wake up each day and choose how you spend your time and energy.

    Parenthood is one path. It is not the only path.

    The Mental Load of Defending Your Decision

    One of the hardest parts of being childless by choice is not necessarily the decision itself. It is managing everyone else’s opinions.

    Many people find themselves repeatedly answering intrusive questions or feeling pressure from family, friends, coworkers, or even strangers. Over time, these conversations can become emotionally exhausting.

    Research has found that voluntarily childfree adults often experience social stigma because they deviate from traditional expectations, despite reporting life satisfaction and well-being that is comparable to parents. Journal of Family Issues published research has highlighted how societal expectations, rather than the choice itself, often contribute to distress among childfree adults.

    One frequently cited study by Amy Blackstone and Mahala Dyer Stewart found that voluntarily childfree adults report levels of life satisfaction similar to parents, challenging the assumption that having children is necessary for happiness.

    Reference

    Blackstone, A., & Stewart, M. D. (2012). Choosing to Be Childfree: Research on the Decision Not to Parent. Journal of Family Issues.

    Therapy Can Help You Explore the Decision Without Judgment

    Some people know immediately that they do not want children.

    Others feel caught between their own desires and the expectations placed on them by family, religion, culture, or a partner.

    Therapy offers a space where you do not have to defend yourself or justify your feelings. Instead, you can explore questions like:

    • What do I actually want?
    • Am I making this decision from fear or from authenticity?
    • How do I respond to other people’s opinions?
    • What kind of life feels meaningful to me?

    The goal of therapy is not to convince you toward parenthood or away from it. The goal is to help you make decisions that align with your own values.

    Finding Community Matters

    One of the most healing experiences can be realizing you are not alone.

    If you are exploring what it means to live childfree, I highly recommend listening to the Dinky Podcast. Hosted by Erika and Kristen, the podcast explores childfree living with humor, honesty, and thoughtful conversations about relationships, identity, and building a fulfilling life outside traditional expectations.

    Hearing stories from people who have chosen a similar path can reduce isolation and remind you that there are countless ways to build a rich, connected, and meaningful life.

    Your Life Does Not Need Someone Else’s Approval

    Whether you become a parent, remain childfree by choice, or are still figuring it out, your worth is not measured by the roles you fill.

    A full life is not defined by checking boxes. It is created by living in alignment with your values, nurturing meaningful relationships, caring for your mental health, and allowing yourself the freedom to choose the life that fits you.

    If you are wrestling with this decision or feeling weighed down by other people’s expectations, therapy can provide a compassionate place to sort through those emotions. At PORTAL Therapy, we believe there is no single blueprint for a meaningful life. Together, we can help you discover what fulfillment looks like for you.

  • Is Depression a Choice? What Trauma, Brain Science, and Therapy Tell Us

    Is Depression a Choice? What Trauma, Brain Science, and Therapy Tell Us

    If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you’ve probably heard some version of these statements:

    “Just think more positively.”

    “You have so much to be grateful for.”

    “You just have to choose happiness.”

    While these comments are often well intentioned, they can leave people feeling ashamed, misunderstood, and even more alone.

    So let’s answer the question directly.

    No. Depression is not a choice.

    However, choosing how you respond to depression, including reaching out for support, engaging in treatment, and practicing self compassion, is something that can gradually become possible with healing.

    As a trauma therapist, I often remind clients that depression is not a character flaw. It is often the nervous system’s way of communicating that something deeper needs attention.

    Depression Is More Than Feeling Sad

    Everyone feels sad from time to time. Sadness is a normal human emotion that usually has a clear cause and gradually improves.

    If you’re my therapy client, you’ve heard me say “life is 50% positive, 50% negative”. That includes sadness.

    Depression is different.

    Major depressive disorder affects the way a person thinks, feels, sleeps, eats, moves, and experiences the world. It can make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, answering a text message, or making dinner may feel nearly impossible.

    Research has consistently shown that depression involves changes in brain function, stress hormones, inflammation, genetics, and environmental experiences. It is not simply a matter of having the “right attitude.”

    The Brain Changes During Depression

    Modern neuroscience has shown that depression affects several areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, motivation, memory, and decision making.

    People living with depression often experience:

    • Reduced motivation
    • Difficulty concentrating
    • Increased negative thinking
    • Changes in sleep and appetite
    • Physical fatigue
    • Feelings of hopelessness

    These symptoms are not signs of laziness. They reflect real biological changes occurring in the brain and nervous system.

    Trauma and Depression Are Closely Connected

    Many people I work with do not realize that their depression may actually be rooted in unresolved trauma.

    Trauma does not always look like a single catastrophic event.

    It may include:

    • Childhood emotional neglect
    • Emotional abuse
    • Medical trauma
    • Loss of a loved one
    • Divorce
    • Chronic stress
    • Toxic relationships
    • Growing up feeling unsafe or unseen

    This is why I always complete the Adverse Childhood Experiences questionnaire in my Intake sessions.

    When our nervous system spends years in survival mode, it eventually runs out of energy.

    Sometimes anxiety comes first, or the nervous system simply shuts down.

    This shutdown can look very similar to depression.

    Clients often tell me:

    “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

    “I feel numb.”

    “I don’t enjoy anything.”

    “I feel like I’m watching my life instead of living it.”

    These experiences are common responses to chronic stress and trauma.

    If Depression Is Not a Choice, Why Does It Feel Like I Should Be Able to Snap Out of It?

    Many people blame themselves because depression affects motivation.

    Imagine trying to drive a car with an empty gas tank.

    No matter how badly you want to move forward, the fuel simply is not there.

    Depression works similarly.

    The parts of your brain responsible for motivation and reward become less active, making even small tasks feel enormous.

    This is why telling someone to “just choose happiness” can actually increase feelings of shame.

    Healing Does Involve Choices

    Although depression itself is not a choice, healing often involves many small choices that become possible with support.

    Those choices may include:

    • Scheduling a therapy appointment ❤️‍🩹
    • Taking prescribed medication if appropriate
    • Going outside for ten minutes
    • Eating one nourishing meal
    • Reaching out to someone you trust
    • Practicing self compassion instead of self criticism
    • Learning to regulate your nervous system

    None of these choices cure depression overnight.

    Instead, they create opportunities for the brain and body to slowly recover.

    How Therapy Can Help

    Therapy is not about convincing you to “look on the bright side.”

    Effective trauma informed therapy helps you understand why your nervous system developed the way it did.

    At PORTAL Therapy, I often integrate approaches such as:

    • EMDR to process traumatic memories
    • Mindfulness practices
    • Somatic techniques that reconnect you with your body
    • NeurOptimal® neurofeedback to support nervous system flexibility
    • Reiki and sound healing for clients who find holistic approaches meaningful alongside psychotherapy

    Healing is rarely about forcing yourself to feel happy.

    It is about creating enough safety within your mind and body that joy naturally has room to return.

    You Are Not Weak

    Depression often tells people they are broken.

    That is one of its biggest lies.

    Your brain is adaptable, your nervous system can heal.

    Life is happening right now, as your story is still unfolding.

    You do not have to carry depression alone.

    Sometimes asking for help is the strongest decision you can make.

    Final Thoughts

    So, is depression a choice?

    No.

    Depression is a complex medical and psychological condition influenced by biology, life experiences, trauma, and environment.

    What is a choice is giving yourself permission to seek support.

    Healing does not happen because you become stronger than depression.

    Healing happens because you stop fighting it alone.


    Scholarly References

    Cuijpers, P., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., & Purgato, M. (2020). Psychotherapies for depression: A network meta analysis. World Psychiatry, 19(1), 92-107.

    Malhi, G. S., & Mann, J. J. (2018). Depression. The Lancet, 392(10161), 2299-2312.

    Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2016). Annual Research Review: Enduring neurobiological effects of childhood abuse and neglect. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(3), 241-266.

  • Trauma-Informed Psychotherapy and NeurOptimal® Neurofeedback: Why I Use Both

    Trauma-Informed Psychotherapy and NeurOptimal® Neurofeedback: Why I Use Both

     Trauma-Informed Psychotherapy and NeurOptimal® Neurofeedback: Why I Use Both

    As a therapist, I have always been fascinated by the question: Why do some people understand their trauma intellectually, yet still feel trapped by it emotionally and physically?

    Many of the clients who come to my practice are incredibly insightful. They have read the books, listened to the podcasts, practiced mindfulness, and spent years trying to heal. My clients know where their anxiety comes from, understand their attachment patterns and can explain exactly why they react the way they do.

    And yet, their nervous system is still stuck in survival mode.

    This is where I have found the combination of trauma-informed psychotherapy and NeurOptimal® neurofeedback to be incredibly powerful.

    Trauma Lives in the Mind and the Body

    Trauma is not simply a memory. It is an experience that changes the way the nervous system responds to the world.

    When we experience overwhelming stress, our brains and bodies adapt to help us survive. Hypervigilance, anxiety, emotional numbness, dissociation, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and difficulty trusting others often begin as intelligent survival strategies.

    The problem is that these adaptations can remain long after the danger has passed.

    In therapy, we can explore the origins of these patterns. We can process painful experiences, develop healthier coping skills, and create new narratives about ourselves. This work is essential.

    But sometimes insight alone is not enough.

    Sometimes a client knows they are safe, but their nervous system does not.

    What NeurOptimal® Adds to the Healing Process

    NeurOptimal® is a form of neurofeedback that provides real-time information to the brain about its own activity.

    Unlike traditional neurofeedback systems that target specific brainwave frequencies, NeurOptimal® works as a dynamical neurofeedback system.

    During a session, sensors are placed on the scalp and ears to monitor electrical activity in the brain. The client simply relaxes and listens to music while the system provides moment-to-moment feedback to the brain.

    I often explain it this way: NeurOptimal® is like holding up a mirror to the brain.

    The brain receives information about its own activity and is given opportunities to make adjustments if it chooses. There is no effort required. There is nothing to force or achieve.

    Many clients report feeling calmer, sleeping better, thinking more clearly, and feeling less reactive after a series of sessions. While every person’s experience is different, the goal is not symptom management alone. The goal is improved flexibility, resilience, and self-regulation.

    Why I Combine Therapy and Neurofeedback

    One of the challenges of trauma treatment is that healing is rarely linear.

    A client may be ready to process difficult memories one week and feel completely overwhelmed the next. Their nervous system may become activated before they even understand what triggered it.

    When I combine psychotherapy with NeurOptimal®, I often see clients become more capable of staying present with difficult emotions without becoming flooded by them.

    Therapy helps clients understand their experiences.

    NeurOptimal® may help create the conditions for greater nervous system flexibility.

    Together, they can support both insight and regulation.

    This combination can be especially helpful for people who experience:

    • Anxiety
    • Chronic stress
    • Burnout
    • Emotional overwhelm
    • Trauma and PTSD symptoms
    • Difficulty sleeping
    • Difficulty concentrating
    • Nervous system dysregulation
    • Feeling “stuck” despite years of personal growth work

    My Approach: Whole-Person Healing

    My path to becoming a therapist was shaped by my own experiences with grief, trauma, caregiving, loss, and healing. Because of that, I have never believed healing happens only through talking.

    In addition to being a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, I am also a Reiki Master Teacher and incorporate holistic approaches that honor the connection between mind, body, and spirit.

    When appropriate, I may integrate mindfulness, breathwork, somatic awareness, EMDR, Reiki, sound healing, or NeurOptimal® neurofeedback into a client’s treatment plan.

    I do not believe there is one perfect path to healing.

    I believe healing happens when enough safety is created for the nervous system to begin doing what it was designed to do: adapt, recover, and move toward balance.

    What the Research Says

    Research on neurofeedback and trauma continues to evolve, but several studies have shown promising results.

    A randomized controlled trial conducted by van der Kolk and colleagues found that neurofeedback significantly reduced PTSD symptoms and improved affect regulation among individuals with chronic trauma histories.

    A systematic review examining neurofeedback for PTSD concluded that neurofeedback shows promise as an intervention for reducing trauma symptoms, particularly for individuals who have not responded fully to traditional treatments.

    Additional research has demonstrated significant reductions in PTSD and anxiety symptoms following neurofeedback interventions, suggesting that neurofeedback may help support changes in neural networks associated with trauma responses.

    While NeurOptimal® itself is not designed to diagnose or treat any medical or mental health condition, many clinicians and clients find it to be a valuable complement to psychotherapy and other wellness practices.

    Healing Does Not Have to Be Limited to One Modality

    One of the most important things I have learned in my years as a therapist is that healing is rarely about finding the “right” technique.

    Healing is about creating the right conditions.

    Sometimes those conditions involve talking through painful experiences, reconnecting with the body, or learning how to regulate the nervous system in new ways.

    For many clients, the combination of trauma-informed psychotherapy and NeurOptimal® creates a powerful opportunity to do both.

    If you have been doing the work but still feel stuck, it may be worth exploring an approach that supports not only your thoughts and emotions, but also the remarkable healing capacity of your brain and nervous system.

    Schedule a call with Elise today to get started.

     

    Scholarly References

    1. Van der Kolk, B. A., et al. (2016). A Randomized Controlled Study of Neurofeedback for Chronic PTSD. PLOS ONE.
    2. Panisch, L. S., & Hai, A. H. (2020). The Effectiveness of Using Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: A Systematic Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse.
    3. Bell, A. N., Moss, D., & Kallmeyer, R. (2019). Healing the Neurophysiological Roots of Trauma: A Controlled Study Examining LORETA Z-Score Neurofeedback and HRV Biofeedback for Chronic PTSD. NeuroRegulation.