Hey friends.
I have had QUITE the ride these last few weeks, and specifically, the last couple of days.
*Trigger warning: this post speaks about death and family dysfunction.
It has taken a few days for me to write this post, since I am still in the middle of processing all the events. This post really deals with the portal being open from 11/10/19-11/19/19, and a life lesson that I am learning throughout this important time.
The numbers “111” and “1111” have great significance to me. 1 is the first number. It stands on its own. It is empowerment embodied. When 111 or 1111 appears in sequence, the meaning to me is that of power amplified. It reminds me that while power can be painful, and hard to bear, it is also itself an amplifier. In order to achieve our dreams and move onward and upward in our life’s lessons, we have to be willing to receive the message of 1. With the pain comes the lesson and the ascension. We have to be willing to open our minds and hearts to learning the lessons that 1 presents to us. One can be solitary, but it also connects us all. We are all 1 part of a great whole. It’s lonely, but also connecting. It is up to us to find the lesson within so that we can continue to grow and walk our unique path. Remember, your path brings you into community with others who are walking their path. We are never really alone.
The 11/11 portal opened up on Monday, bringing clarity downloads, opportunities for aligning with your power and with your Spiritual Guides, and opening people to feel extremely empathic. For someone who is already extremely empathic, this week, and especially Monday, felt challenging for me. I needed rest, patience with myself, and gentleness. The power was at times too much for me to acknowledge with excitement, and rather, I needed to care for myself and withdraw.
Further, there was a full moon in Taurus on Tuesday 11/12. Taurus is ruled by Venus and deals with personal possessions, love, decadence and taking care of the self. My North Node is in Taurus, so this activates a desire to shift into my higher purpose, the lessons I am to learn in this lifetime. Since Scorpio season started, I have been feeling a tilt toward focusing on my money story and financial situation. It is also where my South Node resides, and so the push and pull tension has been super real this week! This is personal to me.
On Wednesday, 11/13, I found out through a 2nd cousin via Instagram DM, that my grandmother died. This is the type of dysfunction I deal with in my family. I did not have the opportunity to attend the wake, as it was held the following day. I could have dropped everything and attended, but it was clear to me that my immediate family did not want me there, because they did not inform me of my grandmother’s passing themselves. As a spiritual person, I am making my own meaning and saying goodbye on my own terms. I am okay with having my own healing time to process the event. It is hurtful, but I realized that it is better for me to be physically distant from members of my family for my own mental, emotional and spiritual health.
However, I found myself judging myself for not attending the wake. I told myself that “normal” families would drop everything when a member dies. They would move heaven and earth to be there. But, I had to remind myself, that 1. Normal doesn’t exist, and 2. I can process my life events in my own way. I asked myself, “Do I dwell in this event, or do I move on?” What I’ve done instead is I allow myself to sit in mindfulness and explore my emotions and bodily sensations. What I found was that I don’t really have a lot of feelings at this time. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother in many years due to a falling out. I mourn her death in my way, which is to be thankful that I have another ancestor on the other side, connecting with my other dead relatives and ancestors who are looking out for me. What she did as a human in this realm has little to do with her spiritual path. I know her soul is joined with other souls and is on my spiritual team, rooting for me and helping my blessings reach me from beyond.
Throughout the rest of this week, I have taken this time to explore what MY life means to me. What am I here to do. Who I am here to help. Why am I on this path. What is the meaning I am giving to my life and my existence. I realize that all of these questions are up to me to answer. And that is what is exciting to me about life.
The timing of all of this could not be more poignant for me. It seems that this is all unfolding in perfect order. I am challenged, I face the challenge, I move through, I come out on the other side. What does it all mean? I think it might mean: that I am capable of so much. I can endure a lot. I deserve the best. I am determined to live my best life, for myself, for members of my family who never acknowledged their power over their own lives. I heal for all of us when I heal. I heal for all of us when I decide I deserve more. I heal for all of us when I treat myself and others with respect.
Life challenges us when we are ready, and sometimes when we are not. There is always a lesson. Sometimes a triumph, sometimes a defeat, sometimes a heartbreak, sometimes a breakthrough. But always a lesson. I am so glad and lucky that I am able to see these lessons as they come. There are lessons that I don’t see or learn every time. And then I will repeat the lesson. But now, I have so much more grace for this process and understanding of its breadth and depth. I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid to “fail” because I know there is no such thing. There is only learning and experience.
