Episode Summary:
Join us for a deep dive into the heart of experiential therapy with Caitlin Shiflett, where we unpack the profound role of defenses in our suffering, how anxiety serves as a biological response to emotions, and the journey of finding our true selves. Caitlin explains the foundations of Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), how it targets defenses and anxieties, and the challenges therapists face as learners. We also discuss her upcoming self-compassion group, rooted in mindfulness and self-kindness, and the impact of integrating therapeutic learning with self-compassion.
Key Discussion Points:
- Understanding Defenses in ISTDP
- Exploring how defenses protect us from intense emotions and the role of experiential therapy in reducing suffering by targeting these defense mechanisms.
- Why anxiety in ISTDP is seen as a nervous system response rather than a feeling.
- Embracing the Hero’s Journey in Learning
- Caitlin’s own “hero’s journey” as a therapist and her journey through ISTDP training, which required vulnerability, resilience, and a confrontation with her own self-criticism.
- How creative growth requires both commitment and self-compassion, moving beyond self-criticism to embrace learning through mistakes and practice.
- The Role of Self-Compassion in Healing
- Caitlin’s upcoming self-compassion group, inspired by Kristen Neff’s research, blends self-kindness with the power of taking action for oneself.
- How group work fosters common humanity, helping participants to feel connected through shared struggles and building resilience against self-criticism and shame.
- Navigating Vulnerability and Visibility in Private Practice
- The realities of marketing and vulnerability on social media as a therapist, along with strategies to manage the challenges of feeling “invisible” online while promoting meaningful work.
Takeaways:
- Awareness of Defenses: Recognizing personal defense mechanisms can help reduce anxiety and open the door to emotional authenticity.
- Self-Compassion as a Path to Growth: Learning to integrate self-kindness and structured reflection enables more profound healing, particularly in group settings.
- Learning as a Process: The journey to mastery involves embracing vulnerability, acknowledging failures, and finding safety in the learning environment.
- Navigating Online Spaces as Therapists: Embrace patience and persistence, as sharing valuable content in small communities can still make a significant impact.
Upcoming Group:
Caitlin’s “Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion” group begins early 2025, offering a safe, trauma-informed environment for women focused on self-kindness and empowerment.
Follow Caitlin Shiflett:
Transcript:
Elise Kindya: Welcome back to returning home the podcast. This is your host Elise. And I today have a special guest in my office. We’re doing this in person, which is so fun, but I have Caitlin, shiflett, who is also an lcsw and Caitlin, do you want to just say a little bit about yourself or What brings you on the podcast today or also
Caitlin Shiflett: We’re getting on Friday and I will always opt for an in-person moment. As opposed to ual virtual has become such a necessity obviously ever since covid and it’s great, it makes things more convenient, but if I can come in person I’m coming in person. Yeah, thank Yeah, you too and my God, I think you’re probably speaking. Everybody’s language right now. It’s so hard being online Having this in person part to heart. Yeah. my freaking
Elise Kindya: Okay. Yeah, we were in grad school together. Yes.
Elise Kindya: Those years were just a blur while they were going on and of course, even more. So now I know 12 years ago at this point. Yeah, I keep trying to think I had to
Caitlin Shiflett: Feel some ear, did you graduate and I couldn’t pull it up and then I was thinking I was like, was that 12 or 13 years ago? my God. Yeah yeah. We were in grad school together and then kind of just really ended up coming together more as well. You had already been in private practice for a couple of years and I was going to your website is she What do I do? and then Yeah, my first year of private practice you kind of called the group together which has been really helpful, a group of us licensed therapist to meet as peer support once a month and it’s been really nice to reconnect in this phase of life.
Elise Kindya: Yeah, definitely. I know, sometimes I think about that DSM class with Gail and my goodness. I was not even ready for all those presentations. And everything that going into grad school, I had been out of undergrad for a little bit of time. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: And I was like this is what I’m supposed to get. Yeah it was very nerve-wracking. I think. Now I look back and I’m like, okay, so there was an internship, there were classes, there were some times two jobs like How did it all in? I know today. these days I worked five hours like I am going to literally pass away. And back then it’s like you’re leaving the house at 8. Am you’re not coming home till 10 p.m and you have a whole bunch of stuff to do in the middle?
Caitlin Shiflett: Yes. early days, I think maybe it was Starbucks or maybe it was an independently owned coffee place in the old Cabell library. those people movie my name. yeah, it was like at night time.
Elise Kindya: We really need this. You’re Main Line it into my day. Yes. Yeah, really.
Elise Kindya: Yeah, and I know that one of the bullet points, we kind of wrote down for today was talking about the learning process. Yeah. And the hero’s journey of heroes journey of learning.
Caitlin Shiflett: And I think back to those days and I’m just like, Wow, how did my brain do that go girl, it’s great. Your trust yourself. Yeah. That’s so cool as it pertains to. Now, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Mainly because of a big learning process. I’ve gone through in the last few years. Undertaking, Something, I’m so passionate about which is istdp therapy, which stands for Intensive short-term Dynamic Psychotherapy. If you want to know any of the particulars about that, we can chat about it.But of course, when we come out of grad school, we’re not taught how to be therapists. And there’s a whole journey that you go on after grad school, about finding what’s out there, what? Really speaks to you and then undertaking a learning process.
Elise Kindya: When did you discover However, yeah, because you were
Elise Kindya: When you started directly at the YWCA. Is that right? Yeah. So when you were working at the YWCA, did you learn about it there or How did you hear about it?
Caitlin Shiflett: Yeah, so I was in another kind of big learning process which I had done a yoga therapy certification and have always been very invested in and big believer in and just knowing that the mind body connection is so huge and just exploring different avenues for that. And at that time, yoga therapy was what was really speaking to me. But in my clinical supervision, I guess there was something about the way that I was asking questions or talking about my work. Where at the time, my supervisor was like, you need to read John Frederickson. Who is a big name, an Isttp, a big teacher, not the Creator, but Kind of like a leading voice within the iscdp community. My supervisor had also done the psychodynamic program at the Washington School of Psychiatry in DC. Where they have an ISTDP track there. So she was like, if this speaks to you the way I think You could also go train in it, pretty close by you have access to that training. So, yeah, I get John Frederickson’s creating Change. I start reading it. I’m just like, my God. it’s just, like everything was jumping off of the page at me. Just spoke to my heart, spoke to so much of how I wanted to sort of be thinking and showing up in the room. And it just seemed to really align with. What? I knew, I didn’t know. Wow, yeah. so yeah, that was my first introduction to is tp, was through my supervisor then reading that book. Was that the Y your supervisor so why was supporting me and that’s supervision but that was with Mackenzie Casad, at Cypress counseling. All right. Supervision with cool? Yeah, yeah. So yeah. She was like listening between the lines and what you were saying and introduced this whole new kind of framework for how to work with clients.
Elise Kindya: what would you say to someone that? they’re hearing you say is tdp. This is the first time they’re ever hearing it. What could they expect in the therapeutic alliance with you?
Caitlin Shiflett: Yes, great question. I guess maybe just starting with the name would be helpful and kind of breaking down a little bit about what. All of those letters mean? I feel loves an acronym. Our field loves Absolutely. Yes. so I asked short-term dynamic psychotherapy. The word intensive is really speaking to the focused nature of the therapy. So, istdp, as a whole, is, a complete metapsychology in and it’s roots are in, psychodynamic therapy and psychoanalysis with its own particular departures. When the creator hubby, Davin Lou, who was an Iranian psychoanalyst created it. He was a psychoanalyst and he was basically coming from this place of seeing the effectiveness a psycho elantic analysis but also kind of saying What are some things that we could do to help sort of speed up this process for people because people are in psychoanalysis for years and going multiple times a week seeing benefits. But yeah, I’m very involved sometimes long drawn-out process. So I intensive stands for this. Focused nature of the therapy of focus on feelings and all the components of feelings when you say focused, meaning and intensive.
Elise Kindya: You’re coming in the therapeutic into the space that you’re having with your Therapist, and we’re not talking about. The weather what you did over the weekend. Yeah, catching up. it’s very much. The treatment plan is written in a way that’s like I keep sabotaging, x, y and Z. I really need help with this and that’s what you’re talking about. Is that what you mean?
Caitlin Shiflett: Yeah, absolutely. And I mean that also goes and the same parallel process of one human sitting with another human.
Elise Kindya: Sure, of course, the rapport and the warmth is really important but exactly what you’re saying of We’re not going to waste time together, you’re not the Gossip doctor, That’s of Internet loves to call therapist sure?
Caitlin Shiflett: Yeah exactly right. You’re not like a Not to say just making sure the content of what is talked about. Is also pretty focused. absolutely Yeah, we also place a real emphasis on the mind body connection and feeling feelings in the body. Yeah. So that is also part of the intensity because it’s a hard thing to do totally. and working with that, in a particular way is also what that intensive part of the acronym is about Short-term the ST. The little misleading, right? Yes ISTDP has shown in research to reduce treatment length but whatever that treatment length is going to be, is what it’s going to be. So for someone that could look like 15 sessions for another person that could look like three years. I mean, this isn’t about saying We’re gonna get you in and out. That’s a short course of treatments, maybe it’s gonna be shorter. Than what another modality or approach could provide to that person. But yeah, It’s not about trying to go as quick as possible. It’s just saying that through the focused nature of our work. Hopefully we can really get somewhere. Yeah. And then psychotherapy is really speaking to the psycho dynamic roots of the model. So we are Talking about the Paying attention to how the unconscious speaks. And, Of course, a lot of that awesome involves talking about defense mechanisms, pointing them out, getting really clear about them.
Caitlin Shiflett: So what someone could expect and in terms of that conscious therapeutic alliance that you’re talking about, that’s a really big part of ISTDP. That we actually focus on six different elements, if you will of a conscious therapeutic alliance and we go slow in the beginning. So that we can go fast later on. When you have that strong conscious therapeutic alliance, where you’re talking about things like, will and positive goals, and our task together introducing people to their kind of triangle of conflict, which we can talk more about if we want all of this. Set this really strong foundation to be able to do the challenging stuff later It’s like you set it up in a way so that when we get to a place where we’re talking about, Someone’s defenses, Which are strategies and adaptations that we have developed to survive. Yeah, that are no longer helping us. that are getting in our way, When we start to talk about those things. When we start to identify them, they get clear about them. And we kind of say, Do you see how this is hurting you? that’s a hard thing. Defenses, are really hard to change. They’re hard to let go of, which is always the client’s choice, of course, But we set up that conscious therapeutic alliance in the beginning knowing that, we’re going to be pointing these things out. Hey, if I see you doing something or Hey, if I see that playing out, is it okay? that I speak to that? So that it doesn’t feel like when we go to do that later on in the work that we are talking about the person, right? It’s about the defense you’re using, It’s not it’s this mechanism, the tool.
Caitlin Shiflett: yeah, and helping people see themselves as separate from their, but you are not just this way. This is a thing that you do and we can have so much compassion for maybe why you do it. Sure. But yeah, setting up that conscious therapeutic alliance and are really, explicit way in the beginning, helps us be able to do that harder stuff later on. yeah, that sounds so powerful. it’s changed my life. Both personally as a patient and you go to this type of therapy I do. yeah period therapist is in therapy I been here. Yeah when I was in that deep sort of learning process. I was in a different form of therapy and I I got to do this in vivo. if I’m learning it, it helps experience it myself. Yeah, so yeah, has changed my life, both personally, and professionally, and I love Spreading the Gospel.
Elise Kindya: Yeah, I really want to talk so much more about that. I’m very curious about the defense, what you say about going slow to go fast? as you were talking about someone using a defense mechanism, as the mechanism or as a tool And our brain does this for us, it narrows our field of options because to have every option is so overwhelming. So it’s like okay this is the thing that has worked for me. So this is going to be that groove that I go In this work. Do you then not to say fill that groove in, but does it help to expand the clients? View of that’s one behavior on a shelf. I’m almost looking at my shelf of miniatures, for Sandra right where it’s like, I could just always choose the tiger because it’s scary and it’ll rip people apart or whatever. And if that’s my defense mechanism, I want to just be aggressive, But look at all these other ways that I could show up, I could choose the bunny rabbit. the gorilla, I could choose the puppy. I could choose the kitten. I could choose the person, whatever it is. Does your type of therapy help people? Then choose a different. Not to say defense mechanism, I guess but a way to show up. Without using that same mechanism,
Caitlin Shiflett: absolutely. Yeah, because defenses are essentially, what cause our suffering at least. In this model and I believe that to be true just sort of in general. So the focus of the therapy isn’t necessarily on defenses but the defenses are a big part of the work. The focus of ISTDP or any experiential therapy is on your feelings emotions, or affects that’s all the same. Those are three words for the same thing. So if you can call up an image of an upside down triangle where you’ve got the flat sort of bar at the top and then this point at the bottom, at the top of that poll, you have anxiety and you have defense and then at the bottom sort of the piece of the iceberg you can’t really see would be feelings like an F for feelings down there and this is typically where we get cut off. So has its own way. based on neuroscience of helping to observe different anxiety, pathways which is really helpful in the work itself because you cannot ask for feeling pursue feeling if someone’s anxiety threshold is too high, What ends up happening is that we have unconscious feelings, Whether that is sitting across the dinner table, from your mom, who comments on the dinner that you ordered and you notice yourself getting really anxious. Let’s say or what about defensive, Yes. And so you defend to try to help, bring that anxiety down, and that could be, of course, changing the subject or it could be lashing But the defenses are there to help lower that anxiety? Your experiencing that the feeling is triggering the anxiety and then the defense comes in. Yes. And whatever your chosen way of defending yourself. Whatever. That’s on many. limitless. Right. We have. A shirt all the time in the world and then also in therapy. So I’m sure, even in your own work. It’s and how does that make you feel angry? Immediately. Start rationalizing and intellectualizing about it. And, it’s not unhelpful to be able to talk it through. But also, if you experience a great deal of anxiety that comes in engulfs your feelings, then helping your body’s capacity to grow to tolerate, feeling is what we’re doing. And so, this is why we sort of target and restructure defenses that get in the way of that process happening so that we can have our feelings without becoming Home anxiety rhythm, Right? Yeah. So in this model anxiety, isn’t seen as a feeling correct anxiety is seen as our nervous system biological response to what feels threatening in this case, feelings. Caused by. Early attachment ruptures. So, if you’re kind of exposed to that same trigger again and again, and again, throughout life before we can even remember which basically kind of let us know what feelings were acceptable and which ones weren’t, Mom kind of turns away every time there’s anger and this is through adequate parenting, this isn’t about coming to therapy to the bash. Parents are hate parents or anything like that. But I mean your caregivers own anxiety, around certain feelings, and their children play out in this way, Where you might be exposed to this, disconnection from your caregiver anytime, you’re saying, angry or extremely sad whatever it Is that we very quickly biologically figure out that we will do, whatever it is, that we need to do to protect that connection and to protect that relationship. So that means repressing anger. If that means hiding tears, if that means, whatever that’s going to mean, then later on those feelings, may trigger are a great deal of anxiety for us and then we pop over to a defense to try to manage that But those defenses that keep us away from our feelings are ultimately, what causes, a great deal of suffering, and kind of really varies our true selves, right? Yeah. So yeah, through this process, then you’re helping people find their true selves. Absolutely. I love thinking of it and in that way. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: Yeah, yeah, tell me more about this hero’s journey of learning that you’re on because yeah they didn’t teach us that in grad school.
Caitlin Shiflett: And so you’re learning about this as you were working My sort of final year at the YWCA was my first year in the program and then I really doubled down on this whole, hero’s journey and learning and started my private practice in my second year of the program. wow. But there was sort of like a double learning journey going on at the time of both the program and then trying to figure out private practice. A couple of layers to that. learning ISTDP taking on something that’s big and complicated. will really bring up your s***. Sure. There’s no better way to really say it. Yeah, and it’s interesting because There’s some research papers and some dirty stuff out there. That will really show you the data on certain personality types and how they react to. Learning our own defenses against learning, whether that’s our perfectionism or our obsessiveness or, the way some people get really depressed as they learn because it’s hard. And the demand for us to know and the self-attack that can come from. Maybe not absorbing the information quick enough or being further along or what it’s like to show your work because in istdp training, you’re recording your sessions and then watching them you watch them with your supervisor and then you’re learning, you’re watching them in small supervision groups, which is really vulnerable. Because therapists Behind closed doors, most of the time, right? So that’s brand new. and when we think of Hero’s journey, we think of starting off on this quest, your motivated, you’ve got your backpack, you are like going out there on this mission to do this thing. And along the way, there’s these trials and tribulations, and you meet some foes and you learn all of these lessons and then you return with all of this,: Wisdom and knowledge. And a lot of that has nothing to do with actually learning the content, but what you actually end up learning about yourself So a couple of things that I learned in my learning process was how hard I was on myself, in new ways that I didn’t even really realize. my own impatience, the level of demand and where I think my capacity should be versus, just sort of like letting my brain take in, what it’s going to take in. And then as that integrates then you go back and you learn more. It can’t be. it can’t be this, fire hose of information that you just sort of absorb and you’re good and I even notice that when I drink at one time, too much water. I’m like, okay that Little over fire hose. my God. Yeah, yeah, sorry, no. So true. it really brought up a lot of just elements of where we’re self compassion. Just was not present you were using it. Yeah. Yeah.00:25:00
Elise Kindya: and also the way that when we’re learning, It’s like we want to get to the place of mastery and we want to get to this place of where it’s just kind of like in you and integrated and now you can be creative and just kind of float with it. that’s the hope. you want to get to that place.
Caitlin Shiflett: But before that, Creativity can calm before that Ever really shows up there are hours and hours, and hours of learning and practice and work that has to come before that. And it’s like, we just want to sit down and I’ll speak for myself. Write the masterpiece or know how to play the instrument or whatever it is, but of course, that doesn’t happen, before any beautiful performance you see there were thousands and hundreds of hours of work and practice and failure that came before that moment. Yeah. And that’s been something that’s been a huge. Takeaway is like, before that flow comes before that creative license. Presents itself is, like, you’re gonna grind and you’re gonna fail, and you’re gonna bump into these things and Embracing that. More. Has been huge. So awesome. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. What has been like was there a time that you were in the middle of that training and you were like you met a foe? That was just too you’re like I got to throw in the towel. was there any moments of that or
Caitlin Shiflett: Yeah, I think that foe was my own Superego. Yeah, the call is coming from inside the house. Yeah, it would be really easy to show up with my supervisor. Michelle may who if you don’t follow her on Instagram, you totally should maybe link her and, it’s It’s awesome. But it would be really easy to show up to those classes or to those supervisions with her with my, best work, something that I felt really confident in, and having to kind of say, that’s not where I need the help. So I have to sort of get over myself here and show the work where I need the Show the session that Show the session where my Learning capacity where I needed some help. Right? and I would say that the only foe there was just my own self criticism, my own self attack. and so, yeah, a lot of just capacity building overall through that whole learning process. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. That’s really cool that you let yourself do that. What would you say to someone that is maybe in the contemplation phase of Entering the hero’s journey of learning. But they’re just aren’t totally sold on it yet.
Caitlin Shiflett: That’s a great question. Is that in order for learning. To happen in the way, where it feels it’s embodied like it starts. It can start becoming some language that you can speak whether that’s therapy or Something creative or whatever it is. That there has to be safety. There has to be : inner safety. So, being really aware. Of the tone from inside the house. becoming aware of your stuff that’s coming up in a learning process and being willing to see that. And really hear that because until we can really see that and really hear that. If it’s critical, we can’t turn away from it, right? It just feels It just feels like, I’m now listening to the that critical voice is what is thriving me and instructing me and so long as that is there that integration of the learning that language that you’re trying to speak won’t come. Because we don’t learn or absorb well through shame or criticism. So there’s this inner safety and becoming really we’re aware of your own. Tendencies around taking on something new. And then there is the environment that you’re learning in, if it’s going to be like a class or something, like the teacher that you’re working with the cohort that you’re in, making sure that this is someone that creates a safe learning environment for vulnerability, for asking questions I don’t know, someone with a lot of patience. Yeah, I would really say just making sure that you feel safe in the environment that you’re in is really important. safety is always like that, the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a different triangle, having that part of the pyramid, really filled in before any of that self-actualization Can get started. Yeah, I mean learning under stress.
00:30:00
Caitlin Shiflett: It can happen, right? I’ve crammed for Buddy of all-nighters, written plenty of papers in the library at midnight. Yeah. when it was due I do it, it can happen. But is it really going to be integrated and there were so many tests that I’ve taken that I’ve been able to ask for that knowledge. Didn’t sink in or integrate or whatever.
Elise Kindya: so another piece of your hero’s journey of learning this self compassion group that you’ve got coming up and Yeah, can you tell us a little bit about what that’s about?
Caitlin Shiflett: Absolutely. so My hour colleague, Alex from her and I worked together at the YWCA and a few years ago and this is when we kind of did our first Test group of running, a self compassion group and we really identified self compassion as this tool and anecdote to a lot of the shame and criticism that we were hearing from survivors of traumatic events. Bound, the research of Kristen Neff, all the amazing mindful, self, compassion research, and put that group curriculum together. and so, first of all the group went really well. We had this amazing reaction to the material. not only that one of the pillars of self-compassion is a common humanity.
Elise Kindya: That’s my favorite one, too.
Caitlin Shiftlett: Yeah. to do this in a group environment just makes so much sense, And there was a real sisterhood that came out of that between the participants, just going around and really hearing the very common struggles that we can feel. So isolated with was huge for the participants in the group. I know it’s been huge, for me personally, And so this round, we are calling the Yin and the Yang of Self-compassion. And so, this is really speaking to the fact that there are not only just the pillars of Self-compassion but also, these two sides. So, you’ve got the inside, which is the self-kindness the mindfulness, the receptive side, the soft side and then this Yang side of Our power. What are you gonna do now that you feel good about yourself in a way, the taking action on your own behalf side, and, making sure that the self compassion isn’t just simply this sort of syrupy Empty and Exactly practice.
Elise Kindya: You’re really showing up for yourself in your life. And taking that inner critic kind of turning the volume down on them a little bit so that you can Go out in the world and do what you need to do. Exactly with a kinder kind of maybe not even turning the volume down on the critic and maybe giving them a new script of, Saying If you’re gonna talk to me, nice things to me. Yeah, tell me that I’m doing my best. Yeah, yeah.
Caitlin Shiflett: we’re also really gonna address in the group. Why self-compassion and self kindness can feel so icky, so hard to do kind of going back to the conversation when we were talking about feelings being where we can get cut off that goes for positive feelings as well. So not only is it like our anger and our grief and these things that can be a bit more difficult to sit in, but we also have At times defenses around positive feelings pride in oneself, our own joy. So we’ll get into that in the group as well talking about, why it can be really difficult to exercise self compassion.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. And so who is this group for?.
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Caitlin Shiftlett: This particular round. We’re focusing on adults- Female identifying participants and our groups will not always be gender focused but we are starting, with This round women who are experiencing what they would identify as a high level of self-criticism or shame. Where both of us come from a long kind of career background in trauma. So, if you’ve experienced trauma, this would be a really trauma-informed group. And it’s gonna be experiential. So, Mind body stuff writing. Some processing as a group meditations. All that good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. when will this group start soon? so it’ll be on Tuesdays. Starting September 17 I want to say, the 17th or the 16th right, getting that date wrong. We can hold please, we can link it. Yeah, we’ll definitely have all your links. 17th Is the Tuesday 17, it’ll run for from 6:00 to 7:30 on Tuesday, evenings, we’ve got a really awesome space I think having just such an awesome space to be in. Also just makes a group. There’s something about that ambience piece. Yeah, really. Does it and Melanie Russell from a brighter birth designed this space. It’s in the Branch Museum of Architecture and Design and it is just Chef’s, kiss, gorgeous. So I’m excited for people to see that. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: they have a room there now, A brighter birth. Yeah.
Caitlin Shiflett: Y:eah. Hosting some of their classes out of there and renting it out. people in the collective that are doing their own workshops and
Elise Kindya: And what’s the pricing on the group?
Caitlin Shiflett: Let’s see. So it is in total for the 10 weeks, 700. We have payment plans, spread across three months, which I believe, makes that 233 something and in terms of another learning process, it’s like we’re open to feedback about that. It’s like you have to test out. different things. taking into account what? We’ve spent up front to get things going and: so, yeah. Great. This is where it stands in its first iteration, Yeah.
Elise Kindya: And I know that we were talking before we started recording about Being in private practice the whole marketing, social media thing, of. And I think this is something that they don’t have to just be therapist and private practice to feel this way feeling kind of invisible online sometimes. Yeah. And whether you want to speak to that in terms of your private practice work, this group. any of the above, but just what would you say to someone that and to yourself to each other about sometimes just feeling invisible on the Internet, and we’re putting all this hard work heart and soul into our offerings and the content that we used to promote those offerings. And sometimes that feels like yucky truly.
Caitlin Shiftlett: Yeah. So I was kind of going back and forth when I sort of knew that it was time to take the plunge and start showing up on social media more as a related to Especially this group and then write some private practice stuff also. And I was like, man. So I already have, a couple hundred friends on the Internet. Do I want to make my Personal page sort of this blend between the personal and the professional. Do I want to do a separate thing? Ultimately, I decided on a, separate page and tell you the amount of time that I’ve put into these canva posts. yeah, picking the template and going back and forth and getting in a tizzy about, the design element of it to writing it out and wanting to be really intentional about what I’m saying and then it’s like six people. Yeah, and it’s it’s fine,
Elise Kindya: Thank you, those six people. But also okay This is Instagram in 2024. That’s hard. Yeah.
Caitlin Shiflett:What I was just saying to you a minute ago was like I get on Instagram, especially on my personal page and I hardly even see my friends posts, it’s like All of these promoted pages and people I don’t follow. And unfortunately for me with the algorithm shows me a ton of animal videos which I love But I’m sure I missed events that you’ve posted stuff like this. It’s just A wild world.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. I’ve gotten into the habit of printing my flyers out and hanging them up here and I’ll go different places that but I think that the community bulletin boards Looked at. Yeah. And so that’s become a whole other leg of work, too. Of I’ll print out. a stack of my fires and have my staple gun in the car and I’m like, All right, we’re gonna like two for one this thing. you want to go to scuffletown and get some scoop? I’m also gonna be taking this obnoxiously loud, And stapling these flyers to this whole support.
Caitlin Shiflett: inspired me. So I wasn’t Count Carytown a couple of weeks ago and I was seeing your flyers for acupuncture and sound bath. Yeah, I was like All right, I’m gonna make a flyer and I went around and mostly the places. I saw your fire, that’s what Nice. Because I mean you don’t ever know Where the referrals gonna come from right? Was it that Instagram post? Six people liked. It was at this podcast. Was it your own private practice stuff. You just gotta throw everything at the wall. I feel like and kind of just see What you end up getting back? I mean if you had three people tell you that it was from one place than go do that again. Go. Hang the flyer again, Or do the podcast again or whatever? Yeah, so we’re just really trying to in terms of a learning journey figure out What’s gonna work? Yeah.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. And sometimes it’s just like for me. I try to think of it too. As I enjoy being in Canva. creating a fire. Looking at the templates, she I love it. I never paid for Kampa until this year. I always use the free version. And then this year, I was trying to recreate flyers as Instagram post size and copy and pasting and doing all the stuff and I was like, my God, I could just click a button. Okay. I’m just gonna finally, pay the $120 or whatever. Yeah. But seeing that as something really fun for me, not seeing it as a chore. Yeah, doing it, when it lights me up when I feel excited about it. Yes. and the same with going up and down the street on Cary Street, Sometimes, you just gotta kind of take a deep breath and be like, okay, I’m walking into this place and I’m just gonna ask the person, Can I hang a flyer? and that it kind of sounds like what you were saying earlier about your training where it was like you’re gonna learn a lot about yourself because there are some times that I just kind of let it go or I’m like I guess I don’t need to do that and then there are other times I’m feeling a little bit more like I don’t know some fire or something where I’m like. Excited to do that. Yeah, I went into 10,000 villages a couple last month, maybe two months ago to hang some flyers. Any other the girl working there was so sweet. She was like, my God, I’m gonna follow you on Instagram right now and she likes my stuff. I love it. it’s so cute. I don’t know that she’s ever come to anything but She was very sweet and supportive when I went in there. So, you never know who you’re gonna meet, who you’re gonna talk to, in any of these kinds of, endeavors. But yeah, seeing this kind of piece of business ownership or, the promotion aspect of things as again like something that we didn’t learn in school but something that I don’t know maybe when I was working at vitality And that was part of the job of working at the front desk was post on the stories about openings and stuff like that. Yeah. And I got really into it I would get so into it for what I don’t know but I got something out of it for whatever reason. And then that’s when I really Started with my own Instagram I was and listening to a lot of podcasts and following business coaches and stuff that they would talk about stuff like that. And so it just got me really in on that path of things. something about what you said in terms of Stepping away and coming back. doing it as the motivation shows up?
Caitlin Shiftlett: Yeah. That’s kind of where I’m at. I think the last post I made. I spent way too long. I posted it. It was still off-center and cropped, weird and I was like, yeah. And it just kind of turned me off for a minute and instead of kind of going down this should have to pass, you’re like, I’ll come back to it when I can feel a little bit more. refreshed. Yeah, and I think that that’s really important because When you think about the energy behind. Yeah, you don’t even putting yourself out there. It’s kind of like, I don’t really want to do it with this there’s a straight and resin full energy. I want to do it when I’m feeling motivated to do it.
Elise Kindya: Yeah and really intentional. I heard one of the monks at Yogaville, talk about that too where they were explaining the different roles you could have at Yogaville. And she was like, So when you say here, you could volunteer in the kitchen. But if you have any anger or any, negative energy about you whatsoever, please do not touch any of the food that we’re all gonna eat.
Caitlin Shiflett: Wow. I was like, I love that. Yeah. And so it’s, I mean, I think, yeah, the energy that you’re carrying into any of your tasks, Any spaces that you’re in not to say, of course, feel that anger feel that grease feel that resentment or whatever is coming up. So that you can move on from it.
Elise Kindya: I think sometimes people get so scared that they’re gonna get into the feeling and then not be able to move on. Yes and there and I think one thing that I’m comes up a lot too Is okay. So what am I going to do?
Caitlin Shiflett: What am I gonna do with this anger? what’s the action? What’s the task? How do I check it off? Yeah. And so we’re skipping a step, right? Because the feeling hasn’t even really been felt yet. It’s kind of like What do I do with it? And there’s the anxiety again, scared to feel Yes, then what happens? So we would kind of, point that of, do you notice how this is one way that you might abandon, your feeling is to go into the future. Someone would happen if we just kind of state right here with it and then helping the body feel and of course, feelings have a beginning middle and end. So part of that is helping people explore the impulse, that comes with the feeling very And there’s so much wisdom that can come from that, emotions are our first sort of GPS system but also staticky the world. It’s just that. Those signals get scrambled over time based on conditioning and whether that’s just family or our great or culture or Whatever it is, So I find that even if there’s a question about what you want to come out of any given situation, To the propensity that you are willing to be with the feeling like it comes and it doesn’t come from me. That’s the therapist. Yeah right. Yeah. It will come from the client from themselves. Yeah, Right. not needing to look outside for answers and there is wisdom in any of the feelings that we make space for. And trusting yourself that the answers, waiting for you. Yeah, absolutely. Just slow down. Yeah.
Elise Kindya: It feels when we’re talking about that, I feel like a lot of space expanding for myself, it just feels so freeing to talk about that. there’s no rush to get anywhere. Whatever’s for, you isn’t going to miss you. But when you don’t listen to your feelings, then you’re silencing it a little bit, you’re kind of prolonging it. There’s this part of yourself knowledge. That is getting Skipped over.
Caitlin Shiflett: Even those more difficult to feel emotions, whether that is anger and grief on that end of the spectrum or joy and being excited on the other end of the spectrum. there’s w Inside of all of that, and should I feel like a lot of what I hear in the Therapy room is so much of that jumping ahead and what should I do? And I think a lot of people particularly within the age of social media, and all of the information that’s coming at us all the time. With all of these therapy terms and language and what’s healthy and what’s not healthy, toxic toxic and you don’t want to be healthy and they don’t want to be toxic. that there’s this real anxiety around. What should I do, and based on how other people are perceiving them versus how they actually feel.
00:50:00
Elise Kindya: Exactly, so spot on, So I would definitely connect that to returning home, perfect timing. So, this podcast is called returning home the podcast, such but yeah, so what is I always ask my guests. What is Caitlin. What is returning home?
Caitlin Shiflett: Returning Home to me means our capacity to connect to ourselves in a way that is just Without the mask, without the facades. Are true essence. I think the world is a better place when we are all just in our full expression. away from those shoulds, right? And Being able to live in a way that feels. Really aligned. And I think that so much of that has to be able to come down to really listen to yourself deeply. I think that we hear ourselves a lot whether or not we’re choosing to listen, is kind of a different question. Yeah, the difference between hearing and actually listening. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Bring ourselves. From a lot of from a lot of what we Thought we’ve to maintain Connections or good standing in the world. All of those that Be a good person.
Elise Kindya: Yeah, yeah. It’s almost like the whole health craze that came after covid. because of people that are anti-vax and then everyone started looking at all the ingredients on all their food and it’s like this whole other level of eating disorder. Yes kind of started happening and now it’s like all the therapy tiktok and therapy Graham and all that. And it’s like this mental illness, a version or whatever you want to call it. People are so scared of being mentally ill, I guess I’m like, Bro, is anyone not mentally? Think. this podcast, I won’t
Caitlin Shifflet: off I think that this canceled culture has really sieged so far deep into our collective. everyone feels like they’re on some kind of a stage when the phone is out and everything and it could turn into this viral moment. Yeah. If my deepest darkest, secret is found out If you’re not racist or hurting someone like you’re probably not going to get canceled.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. whatever. I mean, you’re right, it is a whole other topic, but because these fears are valid, but let’s also, make some space for how we feel being in the world and that’s not safe right to feel like anywhere you go. You could be monitored and called out for something. Yeah.
Caitlin Shiflett: yeah this feels like a whole other topic for ISTDP too. Sure people talk about that they’re in sessions this real fear. Around if they’re doing the right thing because I think that we have this new way of canceling each other which is to not really communicate or put it in the relationship but now we’re all psychoanalyzing each other. Now we have access to all this information and we can kind of do this psychoanalysis and we cut people out of our lives and sure it doesn’t go into the relationship and I’m sitting here kind of wanting to point out social media I guess in a big way.
Elise Kindya: Yeah right there was this article that came out a couple years ago in the Philippines that the president of the Philippines made ghosting people illegal. If you go someone, you’re gonna go to jail.
Caitlin Shiflett: I mean, I would have gotten locked up at certain points. doing for a reason, all of our behavior is serving a function. Sure. And that’s why we come to therapy is to figure out. What am I doing and
Elise Kindya: Yeah and how could I make this? I do talk with people about moving the needle, even just one percent in the direction. Once we actually get down to it. You’re probably like, I’m actually not as bad as I thought I was number one Yeah. And number two, you’re not bad at all period, because you’re a human being. You’re deserving of love and respect no matter what. But if there are things that you’re like, I would like for that to be. I could see myself making that one percent better.’s let’s do it. You got this but right making the space for it. Yeah.
00:55:00
Elise Kindya: is there anything we didn’t talk about today that you wanted to get to or I’ll give you a second to answer that we cover a lot. I know I feel like we need to do this again though, Now both of us have places to go so we have to end but we’ll put a little York in this for another one.
Caitlin Shiflett: I’d love to come back.
Elise Kindya: Yeah. And I’m gonna link all of your stuff in the show notes. But do you want to tell people, if there may be more, auditory, learners where they can find you, how they can learn more about you connect with you and in real life if they want to thank you.
Caitlin Shiflett: Yeah. So website is working within Therapy.com. New Instagram with a total of three to four posts that we are going to patiently and lovingly. Let ourselves take time and with is at working within RVA. And those are probably. The two main ways that hold of me, and if people want to sign up for the compassion, Group, will they be able to find that information in those spaces? The Compassion Collective group is? Yes, linked on my websites? There’s also a separate website for that.
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